Five Ways You Might be Self-Sabotaging Your Self-care, and Steps to Improve Your Approach

Everyone is talking about self-care these days, but who can actually make time for it? The answer might surprise you. Many people with busy schedules find time for themselves, while others struggle with it time and time again. Sometimes the thing getting in the way is not a lack of time, but the way we approach self-care.

1. You’re struggling to recognize what you need, or are ignoring your needs when they come up

Many people are so focused on just getting through the day, that they often miss the signs that their mind or body could benefit from self-care. Others have been taught that doing something to take care of themselves is selfish, a luxury, or a sign of weakness. We live in a society that largely values personal sacrifice and hard work. However, to be able to function sustainably - self-care isn’t optional.

I often encourage people with these challenges to really focus on building mindfulness skills. Essentially, check in with yourself in the here and now, and listen to what you might be needing. Start with the basics if you get stuck: do you need to rest, burn off some energy, eat something, or take care of your hygiene? Practice allowing yourself to prioritize this.

2. You’re falling into the productivity trap

The thought crosses your mind “Man, a walk around the block would feel great”. But inevitably right after that thought, you think “But I have so much to get done around the house, maybe I’ll go later”. Of course, when later comes around you’re too tired or it’s too late so you push it off for another day.

While the ability to prioritize our responsibilities is a helpful skill, so many of us find ourselves doing it time and time again - at the expense of our self-care. If this is you, work on slowly finding a balance between the times you prioritize productivity vs. self-care. If your current ratio is 90% work and 10% self-care - what might it look like to move the dial just 5% in the other direction?

3. You’re struggling to manage distractions

You’ve got the yoga mat out and ready to go, with your phone off to the side. Two minutes in, your phone buzzes with a text from your work group chat. You stop to read it, respond, and then try to jump back in. But of course, the chat doesn’t stop buzzing. You end up getting roped into the latest office drama. Ten minutes pass of texting back and forth, and now you’re annoyed with work and don’t feel like doing yoga anymore.

If this is you, you might want to consider setting yourself up for success by setting distractions aside. Most phones can be programmed with a “Do not disturb” setting. Many people hesitate to do this because they are afraid that they’ll miss something important - rest assured, you can create exceptions (your boss, partner, kids) that will bypass the setting. Leaving your phone or other distractions out of reach or earshot is also a good option. The likelihood of a disaster occurring during the 20-minute period you are doing yoga is probably pretty slim.

4. You write off things you might enjoy because they are “silly”, “too masculine/feminine”, or something you fear you wouldn’t be good at.

Pick any activity, think of it in your mind’s eye, and often you will find you have associations attached to that activity. Many people imagine painting as something only “very creative” people do, or consider Pilates to be “a feminine activity”. While it’s true that being creative helps with painting, and many feminine-presenting people enjoy Pilates - these aren’t prerequisites, and you don’t have to be “good at” something to get value out of it or enjoy it.

Often people find that when they push themselves out of their comfort zone, past the associations, they actually enjoy things that they wrote off in the past. If you’re considering trying something new, it can be helpful to ease into it. Not sure you could paint from scratch? Get a simple paint-by-numbers or adult coloring book. Unsure about your ability to go all out at the Pilates studio? Try small stretches at home first. The first several times you try an activity, you might not have an immediate sense of enjoyment in it. Sometimes it takes a few times to get past the initial embarrassment or discomfort before you start to realize this is something you could enjoy.

5. You’re unsure what will work for you, so you wait for inspiration to come

As we get older, the things that we enjoy for self-care might change. In your twenties, you might have been fascinated with a hobby that always left you feeling fulfilled. These days, that same thing might feel more like a chore. People often tell me that they’re “waiting for the motivation” to do something. Inevitably, motivation doesn’t strike and they end up doing nothing. The funny thing is that pushing ourselves to do something (anything) generally ends up with us feeling more motivated in the long run.

Being willing to actively investigate and try new self-care activities, rather than waiting around for something to seem interesting or waiting for the motivation to do it, will likely help you find something worthwhile.

If you’re still struggling with self-care and unsure how to move forward, consider therapy as a tool to help you identify your stuck points and build goals for your future.