Feeling Anxious About Visiting Family Over the Holidays?

If this is you, you’re not the only one. Often people will talk about the holiday season as “joyous” and “a great time to connect”. Unfortunately, this isn’t the reality for everyone. When you have a complicated relationship with your family, a change in the season doesn’t magically make conflict go away.

Let’s take a look at what could be going on, and discuss some potential options you have moving forward.

Why am I feeling this way?

If you’re feeling uncertain about visiting family members, there’s probably a good reason why.

If you think back to past events, you may have experienced things that made you uncomfortable. For example:

• Someone has crossed your boundaries (by asking inappropriate questions, asking for more of your time than is reasonable)

• Witnessing interpersonal conflict between other family members

• Experiencing invalidating, judgmental, degrading, shaming comments, or those which invalidate your identity (intentional misgendering)

• Hearing others use hate speech

• Interacting with a family member who holds different core values

Your anxiety could also be coming from a more recent concern. For example, if there has been a lot of family drama this year, death/loss in the family, if you have recently shared something vulnerable or coming out, if it’s an election year, etc. Whatever the cause, identifying and naming your fears can be helpful.

Journal prompt: What challenges have I faced while visiting family in the past, and which ones do I anticipate will occur this year?

Ok, so then why do I keep going?

If you found yourself feeling connected to the list above: your concerns are valid. So how do you keep ending up in this situation?

Well, we often grant family much more grace than we would to others in our lives. Many people grow up being taught beliefs like “family is everything” or “family comes first”. In healthy family dynamics, these beliefs can foster closeness and healthy compromise. However, in less healthy dynamics these beliefs can lead to people negating their thoughts and feelings for the sake of keeping the peace. It doesn’t have to be either or: you can value family and forgiveness, while also valuing yourself.

Ask yourself, what are the consequences of choosing to spend time with family vs. choosing to not go/do something else? Maybe you feel that you’re expected to go, it’s tradition to go, or others will be upset if you don’t go. These could be part of the reason you feel stuck in a lose-lose situation.

Journal prompt: What would it mean for me to spend a holiday differently this year?

Then what do I have control of?

The answer is, more than you think probably.

• If you feel like your family or particular family members are open to feedback, the most direct way to tackle the issue is to discuss it directly with them. Using “I language” (for example: “When X happens, I feel Y. It would help me if you might be willing to Z”) is going to be your best friend here. Therapy can also be a great place to work on effective communication skills that can help set you up for success in these conversations.

• Setting boundaries: If something that someone is saying or doing makes you uncomfortable, it’s reasonable to bring it up or do something about it. While we can’t always insist that someone will stop doing something, we can choose not to engage in a particular conversation or remove ourselves from a situation if needed. A common issue that occurs during the holidays relates to time boundaries. For example, when someone asks for you to visit for the entire day/weekend/week, knowing you have other responsibilities. It is your job to determine what is reasonable for you to commit to.

• Do you have any potential allies that can help you manage the situation? For example, a cousin that you can go on a walk with if you need a break, someone you do feel comfortable talking to, or a person who can help you steer the topic in a safer direction? Enlisting the help of others can be a less direct but still effective way of tackling holidays.

• Take breaks if needed, and give yourself permission to leave if you feel extremely uncomfortable. There doesn’t have to be a huge blow-up for you to leave.

• Change the way you look at the situation and/or re-evaluate your goals. Many people have subconscious expectations around events (to have a good time, that others will be respectful, etc). If your goal is to connect with family, when the reality is everyone is likely to fight - you’re going to leave disappointed. What is a more realistic goal given what you know about your family?

• Of course, you always have the option to decide not to go in the first place. Often when I suggest this to people, they’re surprised by it. But when we talk through the pros and cons of going vs. not going, sometimes there are simply too many cons for that person to reasonably decide to go. It’s ok if you make this choice - you’re not a bad person for choosing to consider your needs.

Ultimately, there is no one-size-fits-all answer for how to deal with family around the holidays. Sometimes we can find a solution that works well for us without much compromise. However, some of the fears you have about making a different choice around the holidays might be true. Others may be upset with your choice, they may try to guilt or shame you out of it. However, choosing to negate your needs also means you are giving up something in return. Many people want to change how they interact with their families, but fear making steps toward it. Often people want to wait until they feel empowered enough or strongly justified in their decision before doing something different. However, sometimes we have to start doing things a bit differently before we feel secure in our change in direction.

Journal prompt: How do I maintain my sense of self-respect in my relationship with my family?

You don’t have to deal with your feelings about your family or the holiday season alone. Consider therapy as a tool to help you move forward in the new year.