Self-worth? Self-love? Where do I even start?

How is your relationship with yourself?

It might sound like an odd question because typically when we think about the concept of relationships, we’re considering our connections with others. However, when you stop to think about it, you likely have firmly held beliefs about who you are. These beliefs can strongly impact how you feel about yourself. This question is less scary for people who have developed a positive view of themselves over time.

However, if you’ve created a negative story about yourself, there’s a good chance you’re dealing with the ripple effects of that view in many areas of your life. For some people, this can look like a lack of motivation to engage in self-care (regular sleep, eating, hygiene activities), deeply negative self-talk, and self-deprecation. For others, they might find themselves staying in unhealthy situations with work, friendships, or toxic romantic relationships.

Let’s dive deeper to see if we can identify some clues about where this often starts and discuss some potential ways to moving forward.

What even is a self-concept and how did mine develop?

There are different theories on how to answer this question. Relational Frame Theory (RFT) suggests that as we grow up and move through life, we take notice of our behavior and try to make sense of it. We subconsciously notice what we are doing and make meaning of why we are doing it. We use this information to describe who we are based on what we see. This forms the basis of how we see ourselves, also known as the conceptualized self.

Here are some examples of how past events can affect how we view ourselves:

• If I tend to act honestly, following my values/morals, I might see myself as “a good person with integrity.”

• If I have made several decisions with negative outcomes, I might see myself as “a failure.”

• If I feel deserted or abandoned often in my relationships, I might see myself as “unlovable.”

Journal prompt: When I picture who I am, what descriptive words come to my mind? What “evidence” do I have for why I believe I should be described this way?

Ex: “I’m selfish as evidenced by my choosing to end my relationship with my mother”

I don’t want to feel this way about myself, so why am I stuck here?

Our conceptualized selves are built on assumptions and judgments we’ve made about ourselves. They are influenced by how we’ve been taught to see ourselves in relation to others and are heavily shaped by societal norms. While parts of this picture might make sense, having these thoughts about ourselves doesn’t mean that they are inherently true or based on fact. However, our brains often struggle to separate our true identity from our thoughts and how we think about ourselves. This process of becoming overly wrapped up in our thoughts and unable to separate from them is known as cognitive fusion. Often this process can happen automatically if you’re not actively working on being mindful of your thoughts. When we are fused to our thoughts, we can easily discount and ignore any information that contradicts our story and only focus on evidence that confirms it. For example, if you are someone who struggles with social anxiety and have the thought, “I’m being so weird right now,” you could experience that thought as a fact that you “are weird.” That thought, being seen as a fact, aligns well with other times you felt that way about yourself, further reinforcing the belief.

Over time, we perceive our conceptualized self as a fixed and unchangeable part of who we are. In other words, if we’ve learned that “I’m broken, no one will ever love me,” and that’s the “ultimate truth” of who we are, it’s hard to believe in the possibility of change.

Journal prompt: Please take a look at one of the statements you made above about yourself, and try adding context. Meaning, zoom out, look for the reasons why you chose to make that choice, and look for other possible explanations aside from the negative label you gave yourself earlier.
Ex: "I ended my relationship with my mother because she continued to take advantage of me financially and was unwilling to agree to new boundaries I attempted to set. I made a choice to put my needs on the table, instead of just hers this time.”

Ok, so then were do I start?

If you’re someone who is trying to manage a negative self-view, the idea of “loving yourself” probably feels too far out. I would encourage you to consider moving your goalpost closer. Instead of focusing on seeing yourself positively, let’s first work on seeing yourself more neutrally. For what you can do in the here and now, I usually encourage people to work on learning mindfulness of thought skills. This looks like noticing your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and urges to act in the moment and then deciding what you’d like to do with that information before acting. These skills can help us observe our thoughts, notice when we’re making judgements or interpretations about ourselves, and approach them differently. For example, if you catch yourself thinking “I’m being so awkward right now,” instead of going down the rabbit hole about how weird everyone probably thinks you’re being (as you might have in the past), practice calling it what it is - just a thought and refocusing back on participating in the conversation. While it sounds simple, this process of noticing our thoughts and deciding not to buy into them in the same way as we had in the past is a powerful process known as cognitive defusion.

If we’re trying to zoom out and change the bigger picture of our story, a good place might be working to check the facts of our experiences and engage them with self-compassion. For example, you look back on dropping out of high school and think of it as evidence that you’re stupid and no good at anything you do. But what is the greater context you might be missing when you put yourself down about it? Maybe you were going through some hard stuff at the time, which made it difficult to focus on finishing school. How would you kindly approach a young person dealing with the same struggles? Maybe you would tell them that it’s understandable that they struggled in school, given what they were going through, and it doesn’t have to mean anything permanently negative about them.

Adding the context we have selectively ignored back into the picture makes seeing yourself in a new light possible.

Journal prompt: What is one trait that I like about myself? (Stuck? What might a trusted friend or family member say they like about you?)

How we feel about ourselves can be a complicated topic, that said I hope this post gave you some places to start. If you’re still feeling stuck, you might want to consider therapy as a place where you can practice approaching yourself differently.

Sources utilized in this blog: Dahl, J., Stewart, I., Martell, C., & Kaplan, J. S. (2014). ACT and RFT in Relationships. New Harbinger Publications.